Yeah Yeah Happy Freakin' New Year

So, one of the things I didn't want this new year was the depression. I *hate* feeling depressed- I feel so crazy.

It's like something that comes upon me out of no where. For instance, I was so happy today. I scored a great deal on a washing machine on craigslist last night. I was soaring. I installed it and moved it all by myself and the reward was clean clothes without needing quarters.

I mean, I was in a serious good mood.

Then WHAMO. It's like someone turned a light switch. The silly dog (the little one, not the old one) did something silly dogs do, and I completely flipped out. I mean, I was ready to drop the leash and let them run free. Well, I did at one point, but 1. the Old One just sits and waits for me when I drop the leash, and the young Silly Dog does what he does and 2. I live in a gated community, so they weren't going anywhere.

But I was so frustrated. And it literally came out of nowhere.

Anger and depression are linked for me- frequently, it will be exhibited by rage and anger.

I once described my depression like a sweater- it just gets slipped over my head, strangles me in the furry acrylic wool. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't cope- I just react. And it lasts for about a week or two, and then suddenly it gets better.

I've been clinically depressed since I was 12 (the first time I tried to hurt myself, as was the chic thing to do in the late 80's.). It's genetic in my family, and, honestly, I didn't have a prayer of being otherwise. Both sides of the family. Just as screwed up as can be.

Zoloft works for me well, but it interferes with weight loss on me. And I need to lose weight. It is important. So I've been taking St. John's Wort, which is managing the symptoms for the most part when I take it. The problem? It is a pill I have to take three times a day, and I sometimes miss that evening dose.

Which manifested itself in all of its ugly glory tonight.

And then I feel like a monster because my dogs are looking at me like I am psycho. I tell ya- there are very few things as judgmental as chihuahuas when they think you are crazy.

It's sad really.

Now I'm just rambling, and Silly Young One is whining at me to take a walk. I don't want to because it is freakin' cold tonight, but maybe if I take her, she'll shut up.

Good night for now. I'll have another church post soon. I haven't gone since the last post, but I've worked out some things.

And eventually I will talk some about work.

Gramma is doing well right now. She is feeling sick because of the chemo, but other than that, she sounds really good.

Night!

Cancer

I talked to my mom earlier. My gramma, who lives in the Great Blue North, has cancer.

She has her MRI today, and they are going to decide how to treat it. Mom said it was multiple myeloma.

She just turned 80. She's already had "heart episodes." She has macular degeneration.

Why this too?

She's the first member of my family to get cancer.

I'm worried.

Pray for her, please.

Thanks.

Church today

I went to church this morning, like thousands of others.

This is monumental for me because I have not gone to church since Ash Wednesday. And certainly not since I've moved south.

It's like I gave it up for Lent and enjoyed it so much I kept sleeping in.

But, I realized I can't keep doing that- I was always shaming myself, blah blah blah. And I realized I always was a spiritual person, and the forum for me to practice that is to go to church.

I looked around for awhile. My upbringing was very strict conservative (no women preaching, etc etc). I decided I didn't want to keep attending that particular flavor of church, because there was little value for women outside of our role with kids. I don't have kids. And I get exhausted when I try to teach them. I've been there, done that. I do believe there is a key role for women in the Spirit world, and when churches devalue that, or only value the child care giving role, it's not a good thing. And that is the church in which I grew up.

So, I was nervous about going to a new church. I went to a Catholic church, for the heck of it. Why not? But, since I was not reared Catholic, I was a little nervous, not knowing the movements and stuff.

And, to top it off, I was running late.

I hate running late. I hate walking into something late. When I was growing up, if we were late, I would hide in the bathroom during Sunday school because I didn't want to walk in late.

So this was significant for me. I was late. And I couldn't figure out how to get to the church. I could see it from the main road (it's a big building, you know), but I didn't know how to get to the road it was actually on.I was about to give up and go to the Methodist church down the street (which started later, so not only could I find it, I wouldn't be late!).

Frustrated, making several u-turns, I made a turn that was successful! And I wasn't the only one who was late, which makes things better. I walk in with others.

I walk in saw something I had never seen before. Standing room only! At a Catholic church, on a random Sunday! I understand when it's one of those extra special days, but this was Nov. 16! What's special about that?

So I stood. I didn't have a missal, so I had no idea what was going on. Since it was my first time in years, and I didn't have a book to follow along, I tried not to feel too bad just standing there.

It was a really nice service. I couldn't understand the priest- I don't hear well in that setup, the mike was kinda soft, and his accent was kind of thick. But I stayed. And was glad I went.

I'll go again.

New start

I decided to scrap all previous attempts at blogging and start a new one.

I'm making some interesting changes in my life, and I think this will be a good place to work it all out.

Some things I will probably blog about:

work (I'm a social worker.)
church (I'm a professional seeker.)
family (but with names changed to protect the innocent.)