Yeah Yeah Happy Freakin' New Year

So, one of the things I didn't want this new year was the depression. I *hate* feeling depressed- I feel so crazy.

It's like something that comes upon me out of no where. For instance, I was so happy today. I scored a great deal on a washing machine on craigslist last night. I was soaring. I installed it and moved it all by myself and the reward was clean clothes without needing quarters.

I mean, I was in a serious good mood.

Then WHAMO. It's like someone turned a light switch. The silly dog (the little one, not the old one) did something silly dogs do, and I completely flipped out. I mean, I was ready to drop the leash and let them run free. Well, I did at one point, but 1. the Old One just sits and waits for me when I drop the leash, and the young Silly Dog does what he does and 2. I live in a gated community, so they weren't going anywhere.

But I was so frustrated. And it literally came out of nowhere.

Anger and depression are linked for me- frequently, it will be exhibited by rage and anger.

I once described my depression like a sweater- it just gets slipped over my head, strangles me in the furry acrylic wool. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't cope- I just react. And it lasts for about a week or two, and then suddenly it gets better.

I've been clinically depressed since I was 12 (the first time I tried to hurt myself, as was the chic thing to do in the late 80's.). It's genetic in my family, and, honestly, I didn't have a prayer of being otherwise. Both sides of the family. Just as screwed up as can be.

Zoloft works for me well, but it interferes with weight loss on me. And I need to lose weight. It is important. So I've been taking St. John's Wort, which is managing the symptoms for the most part when I take it. The problem? It is a pill I have to take three times a day, and I sometimes miss that evening dose.

Which manifested itself in all of its ugly glory tonight.

And then I feel like a monster because my dogs are looking at me like I am psycho. I tell ya- there are very few things as judgmental as chihuahuas when they think you are crazy.

It's sad really.

Now I'm just rambling, and Silly Young One is whining at me to take a walk. I don't want to because it is freakin' cold tonight, but maybe if I take her, she'll shut up.

Good night for now. I'll have another church post soon. I haven't gone since the last post, but I've worked out some things.

And eventually I will talk some about work.

Gramma is doing well right now. She is feeling sick because of the chemo, but other than that, she sounds really good.

Night!